British history as an eternal series of Mr. Beans

The first confirmed appearance of the archetype who would go on to be known as Mr. Bean can be found in the Bayeux Tapestry. When analysing the medieval document of the 1066 Battle of Hastings, historians have traditionally focused on characters like William the Conqueror and Harold Godwinson, 'Great Men' who made history on battlefields and in royal courts.

But looking closer, one starts to notice an embroidered presence at the edges of the frame. Whether he's absent-mindedly steering a ship into a volley of arrows or accidentally flashing his horrible penis at Edward the Confessor, it is unmistakeable.

I say the first 'confirmed' appearance because the lineage of Mr. Bean likely predates even the Norman invasion of England. According to Mr. Bean Wiki, the man "is a slow-witted, sometimes ingenious, selfish, and generally likable buffoon who brings various unusual schemes and connivance to everyday tasks." Creatures of this nature can be found throughout Western European tradition from the Norse Sagas to the Irish Book of Invasions.

There are those on the fringes of academia who point to tricksters from world mythologies to argue for a 'universal Mr. Bean'. This is the idea, grounded in evolutionary psychology, that there is something in our genetic makeup that gives humans a fundamental need for Mr. Bean. To paraphrase Voltaire: "If Mr. Bean did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."

I don't want to discount these ideas outright. Recent discoveries of cave art depicting a humanoid figure abusing a tiny bear are promising, but I think one loses something by trying too hard to universalise Mr. Bean. After all, what is Mr. Bean if not the quintessential Englishman? So rather than going too far back into the Messrs Bean of yore, I'd like to turn my attention to more recent history.

If Mr. Bean was lurking at the margins of power a milennium ago, he is now truly ascendent. The United Kingdom has had eight Prime Ministers this century and each of them has embodied Mr. Bean in undeniable ways. I'd like to go through each of these unpack the ways that they fulfil the promise made the first time someone got their head stuck in a turkey.

Tony Blair
The observation that Tony Blair resembles Mr. Bean is a cliched one by now. If someone as unaware as Homer Simpson can make the connection then it's almost redundant for me to restate it. Whether or not Blair was taking notes when he saw Mr. Bean's 1997 foray onto the silver screen, it's hard to say. However, the similarities are undeniable. Like Bean, Blair also ended up getting involved in a calamitous scheme alongside his American counterpart with devastating results. 'Ultimate Disaster' indeed.

Gordon Brown
Aspects of British culture have lingered its former colonies like a bad batch of jellied eels. While this is usually thought of in terms of English sports and oppressive legal systems, it can also be seen in the industry of 'Mr. Bean impersonators'. Whether you prefer your Mr. Bean Pakistani or Indian is a matter of taste but it's worth thinking about the ways this phenomenon has blown back to the imperial core. If every single UK Prime Minister has embodied Mr. Bean in their own way, none bear as much of a physical resemblence as Gordon Brown. The corporeal personification of the adjective 'bumbling', the man is more Bean than Bean himself.

David Cameron
Some people go their whole lives without finding themselves halfway inside a dead animal but this article isn't about those people. Let's move on!

Theresa May
If Mr. Bean is a representation of what it means to be English, then his very identity exists in direct opposition to Continental Europe. The English Channel has long played host to this dichotomy from the Norman invasion onwards. In 2007, Mr. Bean found himself in quite the pickle when he ended up in France and had to make a clean 'Brexit'. Theresa May would end up inheriting a similar conundrum when she became Prime Minister in 2016 and had to extricate herself from Europe.

Boris Johnson
We've all had events that didn't turn out as planned but how many of us have thrown a soirée so ill-advised it created a national scandal? Boris Johnson may resemble Mr Bean in terms of intellect and propensity for slapstick but it is when he hosted a party with the worst vibes of all time that he truly became a Human Bean.

Liz Truss
Despite his English pedigree, Mr. Bean's relationship to the monarchy has been nothing if not ambivalent. Back in 1066, it was Mr. Bean who set into motion the series of events that ended with King Harold receiving an arrow to the eye. History repeated itself in 1990 with the infamous Royal headbutt and in 2022 when Liz Truss returned to finish the job.

Rishi Sunak
Whether he's beung the wheel of a car or the British economy, nobody is going to accuse Rishi Sunak of being a guy who knows what he's doing! The seatbelt-averse PM makes this list for the menace he poses to other road users.

Keir Starmer
Finally, it is vital that we remind ourselves, for all his goofs and spoofs, Mr. Bean is a fundamentally sinister figure. Throughout the centuries, countless lives have been cut short at the hands of British malice and incompetence. Keir Starmer may not have the highest body count on this list, but there is something deeply unwholesome lurking behind his dead eyes. Starmer has plagiarised from the Tory playbook when it comes to throwing immigrants and trans people under the bus but his thirst for blood may never be satisfied. He is the archetype taken to its awful conclusion. Whatever words come out of his mouth, he is really saying "I am become Bean, the destroyer of worlds."