The adults in the room

Later this year, Te Whanganui-a-Tara will bidding farewell to Mayor Tory Whanau.

Despite being a relatively mild centrist, there was something (we can speculate on what that something may be) about Whanau that broke the brains of our city’s elites. Figures as disparate as Stuff’s Sinead Boucher, former mayor Kerry Prendergast and deceased racist Bob Jones all put their differences aside to form a kind of Antipodean Thunderbolts. Even submarine enthusiast James Cameron took the unprecedented step of being a once-beloved filmmaker who got stuck into Wellington local politics on the side of capital. The ostensible environmentalist took time away from the hard work of inventing a new kind of Indigenous person for his cartoon series (my sources tell me this time they’ll be red!) to talk some smack about cycleways.

Vision for Wellington appears to have fizzled out a little bit, but its astroturfed politics have lingered. Boucher for one appears to be so completely radicalised that the once weepy progressive is done ‘doing better’ when it comes to her paper’s coverage of Māori. I don’t know whether or not Boucher is a Catholic but you’d think the Belfast-born media boss would be familiar enough with the concept to know that you’re meant to do your penance after you sin.

“After doing a deep examination ... the finding was that over time, there had been many instances of where you could say that the work that our papers produced could have perpetuated negative stereotypes or misconceptions against Māori.”

- Sinead Boucher, 2020

“Instead of saying how many votes opposed Te Pāti Māori had, Maipi Clark started a rendition of the ‘Kamate’ haka…” (sic)

- Boucher’s publication in 2025, just making things up

One of the most cringe-inducing things about Vision though, was the way it framed itself as apolitical. The idea that ‘fiscal responsibility’ is just common sense and left-wing politics (or centrist politics fronted by a Wahine Māori) are political is a joke. This agreed-upon lie, more than any other, has defined the landscape being contested by Wellington’s six seven mayoral candidates.

Andrew Little, keeping a “firm grip on the Council and its finances”

To the extent that Andrew Little is fondly-remembered, it is because stepped down as leader of the Labour Party in 2017 to usher in the short-lived age of kindness (RIP kindness). Whomst among us doesn’t dream of being celebrated for quitting our jobs?

When he announced his mayoral campaign, he made sure to emphasise that daddy was home. He may be affiliated with the Labour Party but unlike Whanau (whose time in the Green party positions her as a sort of baby sibling), he would demonstrate “serious leadership.” What makes Little so serious? Its the fact that he’s above politics.

“Wellington has lost its way and needs a leader who has the skills and experience to work with others… and regardless of political views to focus on priorities that matter to all of Wellington…”

- Andrew Little lays out his bold politics-free brand of politics for the Herald

Although Little initially identified things like affordability, cuts to public services and asset sales as potential areas of focus, he has since clarified that we should not get our hopes up about him doing anything progressive.

Graham Bloxham, “cutting Wellington council costs”

People may have rolled their collective eyes when insuppressible poster Graham Bloxham, of Wellington Live fame, described himself as representing “green centre left” politics before launching into a spiel about cost-cutting, distinguishable from his competition only by its spelling and syntax. However, Bloxham has since put in the hard yards to earn votes from those of us who agreed with Tamatha Paul’s criticisms of Wellington Cops.

Bloxham cannily got himself arrested at the beginning of May when he failed to stop for police. His subsequent Facebook post will go a long way towards endearing himself with those of us who are sceptical of the role the police play in our communities:

“Yesterday I got pulled over, arrested for failing to stop after he said I was driving dangerously, thrown in the back of a Skoda and my car was impounded fir 6 months [sic]

The copper cuffed me so hard my wrists nearly bled, and I can hardly feel my thumbs nearly 24 hrs later.

WTF is going on with WLG Police. Has anyone had anything like this..”

- Graham Bloxham making a play for left-wing voters

I owe you an apology Graham. I wasn't really familiar with your game.

Karl Tiefenbacher, putting council debt on ice

Representing the coveted ‘bad boss’ constituency, evil ice cream man Karl Tiefenbacher wants to say “ice to meet you” to the mayoralty after losing the Pukehīnau / Lambton General Ward by-election to Geordie Rogers last year.

Tiefenbacher has the novel idea of freezing our rates and debt which he believes have been snowballing. It remains to be seen whether our dark and twisted Mr Whippy has what it takes to lead the Coolest Little Capital or if his electoral ambitions will once again melt away.

Kelvin Hastie, easing “the burden of rates increases”

After successfully ridding Crofton Downs of predators, Kelvin Hastie wants your support so he can clean up this city. In interviews, Hastie likes to mix vague consultant speak (he describes himself “independent, grounded in inclusivity, and oriented toward sustainable, forward-thinking progress”) with megalomaniacal proclamations. These include a pitch for amalgamation and his 2022 campaign to dig a giant tunnel under the city (presumably so he can put all the predators there).

Unfortunately his bold political imagination is still held back by the promise of reduced rates.

Ray Chung, “cutting wasteful council spending, lowering rates, and tackling the city’s ballooning debt”

In Stephen King’s famous novel, a great evil lurks under a town, emerging periodically to devour its residents. Despite appearing to potential victims as a goofy clown, the entity represents an existential threat to everything good in that town. Ray Chung’s political project named itself IT as a nod to this novel.

If all the aforementioned candidates exist somewhere to the right of Mayor Whanau, Ray Chung’s position is so extreme he barely fits on the spectrum. Don’t be fooled by his ‘politics without politics’ platitudes (“I would not describe my role on council as “politics” as such…”), the man is an absolute cooker.

"The media are very fond of saying that we're 'right' when we first announced IT. Even some of my colleagues came out and said that, 'Oh, we are a right-wing party,' but we aren't, and I don't even know what any of the people, any of the candidates that we actually have, I don't even know what their political affiliations are."

- Ray Chung

Should I mention the time he gatecrashed an ANZAC Day event to demand the removal of a ‘No Nazis’ sign? Or his threats to fire his own constituents? How about the tangible links between IT and hate groups, including Better Wellington whose Twitter profile is weirdly obsessed with anti-trans, pro-Marine Le Pen content?

Chung needs to be defeated, be that at the ballot box or by asking him to draw a clock.

Rob Goulden: “we need to… sort the finances of the city”

Finally, is Rob Goulden. You might remember him as the former councillor who was so aggressive that Mayor Prendergast thought female staff shouldn’t be alone in a room with him. Despite having a background in the police, military and private security, this loose cannon describes himself as “a Centrist politician who makes decisions based on evidence and all the information I have available to make pragmatic decisions for the people of Wellington.”

People keep asking if the grownups are back, and I haven't really had an answer, but yeah, I'm thinking they’re back.

Johnny’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Wait, what's this! It's, it's, BY GOD IT'S ALEX BAKER WITH A PROGRESSIVE MESSAGE!

I was all ready to hit publish on this but then a new man dropped!

I don’t know anything about Alex Baker but his support for the Golden Mile puts him to the left of everyone else in the race. At the very least, it may influence Andrew Little for the better.